


Enemies to Lovers

by wolfstarpatronus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Gay Remus Lupin, M/M, Self-Harm, mentions of abuse, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfstarpatronus/pseuds/wolfstarpatronus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever been in a situation where you really hate someone but you also like them? Most days they call you names, push you around, beat you up. Other days they just completely ignore you. Like you don't even exist. Like you never existed. </p><p>Sirius Black is his name. The one I hate but also have feelings for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Seeing as I'm an Australian, this fic is based in Australia.

**11:23PM, May 12, Thursday, 2016**  

_Have you ever been in a situation where you really hate someone but you also like them? Most days they call you names, push you around, beat you up. Other days they just completely ignore you. Like you don't even exist. Like you never existed. Sirius Black is his name. The one I hate and like. I hate the way he bumps into me and starts a fight, getting us both in detention. I hate the way he ignores me some days like I'm invisible.  
But I like the way his long black hair blows in the wind. I like the way his smile lights up his entire face. I love his voice and the way he walks, so confident and bright._

_I hate his fucking guts and I know he hates me just as much. But, sometimes I feel like there's something in him that likes me in a way. I don't know what but I_ know  _something is there..._

_It's not like I can just go up to him and ask him "Oh hey, Sirius, how have you been? I've been wondering, do you have any feelings for me? Do you feel something other than hate for me?"_

_I hate him so much but I get excited every time he walks passed me in the hallways at school. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know he'll bump into me and we'll touch, our shoulders would touch and he would sometimes push me up against the wall and look into my eyes with hate but I know I see something else in there but I'm also not sure._

_Ugh, this is all too much. I don't know what I'm feeling towards this kid. I don't know what's going on but at least I have my best friend Lily to talk to about this stuff._

_Yeah. My life sucks. It's official._

* * *

Remus' eyelids opened slowly, they felt like they'd been glued shut. His vision was blurry and the alarm was buzzing in his ear. Bringing his arm out from under his bed sheets, he moved his hand over to the side of the bed to the bedside table and tried to find his phone that was making the loud, horrifying noise.

He slid a finger across the screen and turned the alarm off. Remus turned onto his back and pulled the sleeve of his sweater up, revealing scars all over his arm.

He looked at the one he'd made the previous night, it was dark red and felt rough when he touched it. There was a small knock on the door and he pulled his sleeve back down and sat up in his bed. The bedroom door opened slowly and his mother poked her head through, she was still in her robe.

"Get out of bed, sweetie, you don't want to be late." Her voice was sweet. Remus' mother didn't know he cut himself and he didn't want her to know. Ever. It would just break her heart so he kept quiet.

"Breakfast is ready." His mother said before closing the door. 

Remus hopped out of bed, he was starving. When he opened his bedroom door and walked out into the hallway, to the kitchen he could smell bacon sizzling and eggs and the kitchen smelled strongly of coffee. 

His mother was serving up some eggs and bacon on a plate for Remus and his father was reading the newspaper, with a cup of coffee sitting on the bench next to him. 

"Good morning, Remus." Lyall said, looking up from his paper and pushing his glasses up on his nose. 

"Morning." Remus replied, sitting down at the brown kitchen table. A plate of bacon and scrambled eggs with toast and baked beans were placed down in front of him. He picked up his knife and fork and cut into the toast and eggs. 

The eggs were hot when they entered his mouth. While he was eating, he was thinking about what would happen at school today. He was thinking about what Sirius would say to him or do to him today. 

Maybe he would leave Remus alone. But it's a Friday. And Sirius usually uses his words instead of his fists. 

Remus never knew why he would always bully him. Maybe it was because he had only one friend. Maybe it was because of his sexuality. 

The bullying has been going on for five years now. It all started when he was in grade seven. That's when he came out as being gay. Sirius and his two best friends, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were the only one's who bullied Remus about his sexuality.

But as the years went on James and Peter slowly started to leave Remus alone but Sirius. He kept bullying him every day. Sometimes when Remus and Lily went out to eat on the weekend, Sirius and his friends would be there.

Sirius would keep staring at him, yelling stuff like "Hey Remus! Fuck any boys today?!" out to him. One time Sirius threw a bread roll at him and hit him in the head. Sirius and his friends were kicked out. 

Remus finished his breakfast and went back into his room to get dressed and ready for school. 

His school was the only school in the state that didn't have to wear a uniform. Remus put on a pair of jeans and threw on a hoodie and swung his bag over his shoulder. 

He said goodbye to his mum and dad before walking out the front door. 

Remus had only been walking for about 10 minutes before he started to sweat.  _Its nearly winter, why is it so hot?_ Remus thought. He couldn't take his hoodie off because of the scars on his arm. Not even Lily knew that he cut himself.

He reached the school a few minutes later. Lily was waiting for him outside the school, she was also sweating. 

"Where have you been, Remus?" Before Remus could reply Lily cut over him, "Come on, we'll be late." 

Lily dragged him by the arm and they walked in the school together.

"Why are you wearing a jumper, it's boiling." Lily said when they got into the classroom. 

"I'm cold." Remus lied. 

"You're sweating, take it off. You don't want to catch on fire or anything." Remus laughed but ignored what she said about taking it off. He couldn't take it off. 

"Alright class," Mr. Slughorn was saying, "today we will be using the Bunsen burner to burn a piece of magnesium." 

"We've already done that, sir." Sirius called out. 

"That was last year, you tosser." James said to Sirius. Sirius looked over to Remus and he smirked at him. Lily giggled lightly when James said what he said and James winked at her. She'd had a crush on him for a while but James never liked her back. Well Lily didn't know if that was true or not... 

"Why do you even like him for?" Asked Remus, eyeing James carefully. 

"He's cute. He's not the nicest person, I'll admit that but sometimes he can be nice when he wants to." Remus scoffed. 

Remus looked at James carefully, he  _was_ a little cute. His smile was magnificent. He had perfect white shiny teeth. When he smiled his eyes sparkled, when he frowned he- 

"What're you staring at, Lupin?" Sirius called out, he must have caught Remus staring at James, "you getting a crush on James here?" Sirius and Peter laughed but James' face went red as a tomato. 

"God, I hope not." James said. Remus immediately turned his head away from their direction and focused on what the teacher was saying. 

Lily nudged him, "You're not getting a crush on James, are you?" She was frowning. 

"Course not. Don't be stupid." Replied furiously. 

"Okay... Just checking." Remus quickly glanced over at Sirius again and saw that he was looking straight at him. Remus turned his head again and felt his face go hot. 

"You keep staring at me Lupin and I'll scoop your eyes-" 

"Sirius, that's enough." Slughorn interrupted. 

"But Sir, he keeps staring at me and it's really annoying me." Slughorn ignored him and turned back to write something on the board. 

"He probably wants to fuck me." Sirius said loud enough so Remus could hear it. 

"Shut up!" Remus yelled at Sirius. 

"Ooh, you getting angry gay boy?" 

"Sirius! Remus! That is enough." Slughorn's voice boomed across the classroom, "You disturb my class one more time and you'll leave." 

"That's my dream Sir." Sirius said, throwing an eraser at Remus. It hit him in the head. 

Remus felt anger rising up in him. 

"Get out, Sirius." Slughorn said. Remus looked to him and saw another eraser coming towards his head. It hit him in the eye. Remus stood up, "Remus, don't." He heard Lily say but he ignored her. He was so angry he just wanted to punch Sirius in the face. 

Sirius was out of the classroom and Remus followed him, the teacher didn't see him leave. He was too busy writing stuff up on the board. When Remus was close enough to Sirius, he pushed him hard, causing Sirius to nearly fall to the floor. 

"I'm so sick of you." Remus went to push him again but Sirius had already pushed him back. Remus fell to the floor and Sirius laughed, walking away from him. He got up off the floor and launched himself at Sirius. 

Sirius was on the floor and Remus was on top of him. Remus punched him once, twice and went for a third but Sirius caught his fist and shoved him off Sirius. 

Now Sirius was on top of Remus. He had blood running down from his nose. Sirius punched Remus in the stomach and twice in the face. 

Remus looked at Sirius in the eyes and then looked at his mouth and back at his eyes again. Sirius frowned and head butted him. 

Remus felt the weight of Sirius' body lift off of him, he saw James holding him back. 

"That's enough!" James half yelled, half whispered. Remus saw James lift his hands up to Sirius' face."He got you pretty well." 

Sirius shoved James away, "Fuck off." Remus was holding his stomach where Sirius had hit him. 

"Let's go." James said, "I want a smoke." Remus was still lying on the floor and when they walked passed him, Sirius looked down at him and smiled weakly and then kicked him in the stomach again. 

"Sirius!" James hissed. Remus saw Sirius follow James to the bathroom. 

Remus put a hand to his head. It was pounding. He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side and put his arms around his stomach and curled up. 

Remus didn't know how long he was lying on the floor for but it felt like forever. He heard the bell ring to signal the end of the lesson. He slowly scooted up against the wall so he wouldn't get stomped on by the other kids. 

Remus had his knees to his chest, his arms around his legs and his head resting on his knees. He sensed that someone was crouched down next to him. 

He could smell the familiar scent of jasmine and green tea. Lily. Remus put his head up slowly. 

"Are you okay?" Lily's voice was soft.

Remus was still a little bit angry but he'd calmed down some. Remus moved only a little and stopped. His stomach ached, he felt like he was going to throw up his breakfast. His cheekbone hurt from the powerful punch from Sirius and his eye felt like it would pop out of his head from the eraser Sirius had thrown at him. 

"I'm great." Remus lied. 

"Come on Remus, don't lie to me." Lily put a hand on his shoulder. 

Remus didn't feel like saying anything. He just wanted to go home and sleep. But he knew he couldn't because his parents were always home on a Friday. They both didn't work on Friday's. 

On most days, he would just leave school and go home and sleep and sometimes cry but he couldn't today and that's exactly what he wanted to do right now. Cry and sleep. 

"Come on," Lily was lifting him up slowly, "get up." The pain in Remus' stomach felt much worser when he stood. Lily had an arm over his shoulder. 

* * *

 

Remus finished the school day with his body hurting all over. He was starting to get a bruise over his eye and he knew that'd he would have a bruise on his side later. 

When he got home, he hid his face from his parents. Remus didn't want his parents to know that he got beat up again. 

He went into his room, locked his door and threw his bag on the floor and paced back and forth in his room. His head was still pounding but it wasn't as bad as it was earlier. 

Remus went over to his dresser and opened the drawer, pulling out a small pair of scissors. 

Sitting down against the wall, Remus pulled his sleeve up. His hand was shaking slightly, he put the sharp scissors to his skin and cut. 

He tried not to cut too deep. He dropped the scissors on the floor. 

"Shit." He whispered and stood up and got two tissues and put it over the cut he'd made on his skin. 

Remus knew he cut too deep this time. It wouldn't stop bleeding. 

"Fuck. Fuck." Remus felt his eyes starting to sting, "I'm sorry." He whispered to himself. A tear fell from his eye. 


	2. Chapter Two

**2:12am, May 19, Thursday, 2016**

_Its been a week now. It's been a week since I haven't seen Sirius. He hasn't been at school. The last time I saw him was last Thursday. The last time I saw him, he was walking away from me while I was on the floor, after he'd beaten me up again. He never misses a day of school. Why hasn't he been at school? No. You know what? I don't care. He hasn't been at school all week. So what?_

_Ah fuck... I do care. This sounds stupid but I freaking miss him. I hate him but I miss him. Maybe I should ask James tomorrow... But - No. Fuck I don't know._

_This is so dumb..._

* * *

"Remus, wake up!" Remus heard someone say. But it wasn't his mother, it was Lily. He opened his eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the light. 

"Jesus Lily, calm down would you." Lily was shaking him awake. 

"What is this?" She asked furiously. 

Remus had no idea what she was talking about.  _Oh crap, she's found my diary._ Remus thought. But then he felt Lily grabbed his arm. He was now fully awake. He pulled his arm away from her and pulled his sleeve down. 

Remus only used to cut himself every now and then but since last Friday, he has cut himself every night. His arm was covered in cuts. 

"What are you doing here?" Remus sounded angry. 

"You're an hour late for school! And you weren't picking your phone up!" Lily was kneeling down next to Remus' bed, "Why have you done this?" 

Remus shoved his bed covers off and walked away from his bed and away from Lily but she stood up and took a couple of steps towards him. 

"Remus?" Lily's voice didn't sound angry anymore, just sad... 

"You need to mind your own business!" Remus shouted but immediately regretted it. 

"You're my best friend Remus. Please talk to me." 

Lily knew that he sort of liked Sirius but she didn't know that he had deeper feelings for the boy. 

"Is this about Sirius?" 

Before Remus could even think, he spat out, "Of course this is about Sirius!" Remus was still not facing Lily. He felt her touch on his back. 

"Talk to me." Remus felt his throat beginning to burn and his eyes sting. Remus didn't speak, he was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would start crying. 

Remus' vision started to become blurry.  _Don't fucking cry Remus come on,_ Remus thought. 

He felt like he couldn't breathe, so he opened his mouth the tiniest bit to breathe but he immediately started crying. 

Lily put her arms around his stomach and was hugging him from behind. 

* * *

 

"Did you see him at school?" Remus asked as he was putting on his freshly new jacket; maroon with two white stripes on either sleeve and the inside of the hoodie was black and fluffy.

Remus had been crying for about 5 minutes and then he told Lily that he has stronger feelings for Sirius.  

She told him that she knew. 

"Uh, well, he's not in any of my classes today so I wouldn't know. But that doesn't mean he's not at school. He could be." Lily got her phone out of her pocket, "Come on, we should get going if we want to make it to history in time."

Remus just nodded without saying another word and picked his bag up and flung it over his shoulder.

Lily was walking in front of him and she was already waiting outside the front door on the porch by the time Remus was closing his bedroom door. 

Today the weather was cool, there wasn't really any wind. This was Remus' favorite weather. 

Not too cold, not too hot, a little windy. The sky above was grey with only a little spots of blue sky in places. 

Remus felt like they'd been walking for only 15 minutes but they were walking for about 10. 

They went to the front office and signed themselves in and went straight to history class. 

Remus was hoping to see Sirius on the way to class but he knew he wouldn't. He probably wasn't even at school today. 

Every day, Remus was hoping to see Sirius at school but he never did. 

"You're late." Mr. Binns said as they entered the class and sat down in their seats. 

"Sorry Sir, I slept in.." 

Mr. Binns went back to writing notes on the board for the students to copy down. 

Remus unzipped his bag and searched through it. He must have left his history book at home because he couldn't find it in his bag. So he got out his notepad that he used to write down random stuff. 

When he sat back up in his chair, he noticed that Peter was here. He'd sometimes forgotten that he was in his history class. Remus tucked his chair in and rested his elbows on the desk and stared at Peter.

"What are you thinking about?" Lily asked. She must have seen him staring at Peter. 

"I don't know. I kind of want to go up to him and ask him if Sirius is here and where he's been for the last week." When Remus said 'Sirius' Peter had looked up and frowned at Remus. 

Remus lowered his voice, "but i don't know if it's really any of my business because we're... Kind of enemies.." 

Lily bit her lip, "I think you should ask him about Sirius. But do it after class."

"Right. Okay." Remus got his pen out and began to write the notes from the board down into his book. 

Four minutes went past and his wrist was already starting to hurt. A small, crunched up piece of paper landed on his desk, right in front of him. Remus picked it up and looked around, everyone had their heads down, writing in their books. 

The person's hand writing was a little messy, it said:  _'Why are you talking about_   ~~ _Se_~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ _Sirius? Stop talking about him!'_

Knowing it was from Peter, he looked over at him. Peter gave him a look but Remus couldn't understand what he was saying. 

He looked back at the note and decided to write him a note back. He flipped the small paper over and wrote: ' _Stay back after class. I want to ask you something.'_

Remus scrunched the paper back up and threw it at Peter, it landed on the floor and he had to bend down to get it. 

Remus looked at Peter and saw that he frowned but then he scribbled something else on the paper. 

Again, Peter threw it back at him and Remus caught it in his hands. 

"What are you doing?" Lily's voice came from next to him. 

Remus ignored her first to read what Peter had wrote. It said ' _Why? So you can try to kiss me or put your hands down my pants?'_

"Remus?" Lily said again. 

"Peter wrote me a note." He showed Lily what Peter had wrote. 

Lily looked annoyed or angry, he couldn't tell which but they were pretty much the same emotion if you think about it. She put the note on the table and started writing on it. 

"What are you doing?" Remus said, trying to get the paper from Lily. 

But Lily didn't answer. She kept writing on the paper. 

Remus sighed and looked to Peter and then around the room and leaned his head back. Remus heard the paper scrunch up again and he tried to get it from Lily but she had already thrown it back at Peter. 

"What did you write?" 

"Trust me." 

"Remus. Lily. Please stop talking and take these notes down." Mr. Binns said. 

Remus sighed again but did what the teacher said. 

* * *

 

The bell rang to signal lunch and the end of lesson. Remus quickly put his notepad back in his bag and sat there in his seat, waiting for everyone to leave, including Lily.

Whatever Lily wrote on the note, must have been something to make Peter stay in his seat because he was sitting there, with his bag on his back. Lily left the classroom and then the teacher did.

Remus took the seat in front of Peter and faced him.

"What do you want?" Peter asked.

Remus hesitated before speaking. He felt weird and uncomfortable asking about Sirius.

"Uh, where is Sirius?" Remus said slowly.  

Peter gave a low laugh, "Why do you want to know? D'you have a crush on him?" 

"Shut your face. Do you know... Where- why he hasn't been at school for a week?" Remus was stuttering. He always did this when he was nervous. It was a very annoying habit of his that he hated. 

"Nah. I don't. He's at school today." Peter said and without another word he stood up and walked out of the classroom. 

_He was at school._ Remus felt a hint of joy in his chest but also a hint of fear and nervousness. Peter would probably tell James and Sirius that he'd been asking about him. 

Remus stood up and pushed his chair in. When he walked out of the class, he saw Lily waiting just outside the door for him. 

"Well?" 

"I didn't get any information about why he hasn't been at school for a week but he is here today." 

"Why are you shaking?" 

"Just nervous, I guess." 

"Have you eaten today?" Lily asked him. They were walking towards the cafeteria. 

Remus realised that he hadn't eaten today and his stomach suddenly ached for food, "No." 

When they got into the cafeteria, Remus immediately spotted the black haired boy, sitting with his two friends in the corner. Remus felt his heart jump up to his throat. 

Remus and Lily took a seat at a table on the other side of the room from Sirius and his friends.

"What do you want?" Lily asked, already getting her purse out. 

"Uh, just get me a sausage roll. I'll pay you back." 

"Don't worry about it." Lily stood up, leaving her bag in her chair and went over to wait in line to order get their food. 

Remus quickly glanced over at Sirius and saw that he was laughing, but his eyes didn't shine up like they usually did when he laughed. Something was wrong. 

Peter saw that Remus was looking at Sirius and he tapped him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Sirius frowned and looked towards Remus. 

Remus assumed that Peter just told Sirius that Remus was asking about him. 

Sirius just smiled, sarcastically, at Remus and waved and then went back to talking to his friends and eating a sandwich. 

About 2 minutes later, Lily came back with a sausage roll and a salad. 

"Here. Eat up." Lily handed Remus his sausage roll. 

"I'll pay you back." Remus took a bite into his food. 

"No you won't. You don't have to and I don't want you to." 

Remus and Lily ate their food in silence, Remus would occasionally look over at Sirius. 

Remus loved Sirius' hair. It was long, black and it looked soft. He would love to just lie down with him and run his fingers through it. 

But he knew that'll never happen, so he shook the image out of his head. 

Remus finished his sausage roll and rested his head on his arms on the table. He felt exhausted, he didn't know why but he just did. Like the breath was sucked out of his lungs.

He heard one, two then three chairs scrape along the floor. Remus put his head up and saw that Sirius, James and Peter had sat at their table. 

"Why were you asking about me?" Sirius said and rudely took a piece of cucumber from Lily's salad. 

Lily frowned at him. 

Remus didn't know what to say, so he just shrugged his shoulders. 

"I think you should leave." Lily said. 

"Oh come on now darling, no need to be rude. We just want to have a conversation!" James said, he was sitting next to Lily and Sirius and Peter laughed.

"Tell me Lupin. Why were you asking about me?" 

Remus searched through his brain for a response, "I missed you punching me in the face." He said sarcastically. 

"Remus." Lily said at the same time Sirius laughed. 

Sirius leaned back in his chair and put his arms over his chest, "That's a nice jacket, Lupin." He said out of nowhere. 

He was probably being sarcastic, the asshole. 

Lily had stopped eating her salad and James asked, "Are you going to finish that, Evans?" But before she could even give him and answer, he'd already taken her salad from her and started eating it. Lily rolled her eyes but secretly, she probably liked it. 

The bell rang again, for the end of lunch. 

"Well, we should all probably get to class, yeah?" Peter said, already standing up with his bag on his back. 

"What do you have, Evans?" James asked. 

She hesitated, "Art."

"You are art, baby." This made Remus roll his eyes. 

"Fuck off." Lily said and shoved James and walked out of the cafeteria. James giggled and licked his lips. 

"You're such a loser, James." Peter said. 

"She's the one who has the crush on me." James was staring after Lily. 

"I've got P.E. I'm thinking of skipping it to be honest." Sirius said. 

Remus stood up and put his bag on his back and he began to walk out of the cafeteria, before Sirius stopped him. There was no one else in the cafeteria except for the four boys. 

"Hey Lupin." Remus didn't stop walking, but Sirius grabbed his shoulder and turned him around and punched him right in the face. 

"What the fuck dude?" Remus heard Peter say. Remus was still standing, he tasted blood in his mouth and he licked his lips and faced Sirius again, wanting and ready to punch him back. 

But Remus just grabbed the front of Sirius' shirt and shoved him against a table. 

Sirius was laughing and he had his hands around Remus' fists. 

"What? You said you missed me punching you in the face. So I gave you a punch in the face." Remus felt someone grab him by the arm and he was pushed back, falling over. 

"You're such a dick mate." James said, patting Sirius on the back and walking out the cafeteria. Peter was following them. Remus got up and picked up the chair he'd pushed over when he shoved Sirius against the table and then he walked out of the cafeteria. 

He could still taste the blood in his mouth. 


	3. Chapter Three

"So are you going?" 

"Lily, you know I hate parties so why would I go?" 

There was a small poster on the classroom wall saying that there was a party at someone's house tomorrow night. 

Remus and Lily were standing around in the classroom, waiting for the bell to go in five minutes.

"Sirius is probably going, y'know?" 

"So? I don't care. I'm not going to this stupid party. You can go if you want to, it doesn't bother me."

Lily looked like she was texting someone and she giggled. 

"Who are you texting?" Remus was starting to feel annoyed.

Not because she was talking to someone, she could talk to anyone she liked but she was texting someone while Remus was talking and it made Remus feel alone and frustrated. 

"James." Lily replied 

"James? As in James Potter?" 

"Yes." Lily put her phone into her back jeans pocket and the bell went. 

Remus always waited for the class to leave the classroom first before leaving because he didn't like being crowded around people. 

"Have a good weekend, Remus." Mrs. McGonagall said. 

"You too." Remus replied and walked out the classroom door. 

Lily was waiting just outside the door for Remus. 

"Hey, I'm going to go meet up with James and then we're gonna go to the ice cream parlour for a milkshake, do you want to come with?" Lily had her arms crossed over her chest.

"Oh yes, I would love to come! Maybe we should go bowling after or even go to the movies!" Remus replied sarcastically. 

It seemed as though she wasn't paying much attention because half-way through Remus answering her, she'd gotten her phone back out and was texting again and nearly bumping into someone while walking. 

"So are you coming?" Lily looked up from her phone for about 3 seconds. 

"No." Remus' face hardened. 

"Oh okay. Well, I'll talk to you a bit later then?"

"Yeah okay. See ya.." Remus waved her goodbye and got into the passenger seat to his mum's car.

 

When Remus got home, he lied down on his bed, looking up at the blank white ceiling. He was thinking about Lily, he felt like he was slowly losing her but she would never leave him, would she? She's going on a date with James - well Remus didn't know if it was a date-date but either way, she was with James.

Soon she would be spending all her free time with James and not hanging out with Remus and that already made him feel so lonely.

Remus knew that she would probably end up going to that party with James this weekend, which meant he had to go with her, to keep an eye on her, to make sure she was safe. Remus was very protective of Lily, they'd known each other for long enough. 

Remus rolled onto his side and saw his diary on his bedside table and immediately started thinking about the boy with long black hair. Remus always wrote about Sirius in that diary.

He was lying on his bed, just staring at his diary, his eyes felt heavy and they began to close.

 

_Remus was suddenly at a park, he used come here all the time when he was younger, but recently, he's stopped going. But he was back at the park again, it was raining slightly and there was a little bit of fog in the air. Remus felt the raindrops landing on his face, it felt nice. He was sitting down at a bench, half under a big tree._

_He looked up and saw a figure emerging from behind another tree and from the fog. He couldn't tell who it was but this person was coming towards Remus. He saw that the figure had his hands in his jeans pocket._

_It wasn't too long that the person was standing in front of Remus. He looked up and saw that it was Sirius._ Great, even in my dreams, you bully me,  _Remus thought._

_"Hey, Lupin, can I sit down next to you?"  Remus was surprised that this came out of Sirius Black's mouth. He said it so calmly, and his voice just sounded so... Soft and gentle._

_"Uh, sure." Remus scooted over a little._

_Sirius' long black hair was a little messy and wet, but he still looked attractive._

_"If it wasn't raining a little, the weather would be perfect." Sirius was looking up at the sky._

_"I like rain. I like the way it feels on my face. I love the sound it makes. It's very calming."  Remus looked at Sirius._

_"I don't mind the rain. I like watching out the window when I'm inside, but I hate rain when I have to walk in it."  Sirius ran his fingers through his hair and Remus quickly looked away._

_Suddenly, Remus felt a hand over his. The hand was warm but it was a little wet. He looked down at his hand and saw that Sirius had his hand over Remus' . He then looked up at Sirius._

_"Remus, I have to tell you something. I've been wanting to tell you for quite some time now."  Sirius was now facing Remus and looking him directly in the eyes._

_"What is it?" Remus felt his heart pounding when he asked this._

_Sirius' mouth began to twitch and move but no words were coming out._

_"What?" Remus tried to read his lips but he couldn't._

_"Remus, wake up." His mother's voice came out of Sirius' mouth._

_"What?" Remus said again. This time he frowned._

_"Remus, dear, wake up."  His mother's voice came again. Remus looked around, still feeling Sirius' hand over his but when he went to look back at Sirius, he was gone and so was the feeling of his hand. Everything went white and Remus closed his eyes to shield them._

 

When he opened them back up again, he was in his bedroom, with his mother standing over him, he breathed in and could smell the delightful smell of spaghetti bolognese.

"How long have I been asleep for?" Remus asked his mother, sitting up on his bed.

"Oh, you've only been asleep for 2 hours. Did you have a good nap?"

Remus thought about the dream he had. He was with Sirius in his dream. He and Sirius were sitting on a bench together, in the rain, under a tree. His hand was touching his. Sirius' hand was so warm and gentle.

But, Sirius wanted to tell Remus something, what was it? _This is going to bother me all night now,_ Remus thought. 

"Remus?" He hadn't realised that he was just staring at his hand, the one Sirius touched in his dream.

"Uh, yeah, it was good, great." Remus ran his fingers through his hair just like Sirius had done in the dream and breathed in and out deeply.

"Are you okay?" His mother asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just hungry, I guess."

"Well, come get some dinner then."     

His mother walked out of his room. Remus sat on the bed, still thinking about Sirius and the dream. Did Sirius really have something to tell him? Or was it really  _just_ a dream? 

Remus rubbed the back of his neck and stood up to go to the dining room to eat dinner with his family. 

 

At about 10pm, Remus' phone began to vibrate. Remus put the book he was reading down on his bed with a bookmark in it to mark his place.

Reaching over to his bedside table, he picked up his phone and Lily's name was flashing on the screen. 

He hesitated before answering. 

"Hey." Lily said, she almost sounded out of breath. 

"Hi." Remus said back but Lily was already talking about what she did with James, but he immediately dropped out. He could hear the words Lily was saying but he didn't understand them, as his mind was somewhere else. 

"Remus, are you even listening to anything I'm saying...?" Lily asked, sounding slightly annoyed. 

"Uh, yeah sorry." He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling awkward. 

"What's up? You sound... Distracted. Is there something bothering you?" 

"Yeah, no. I'm- I'm fine. It's nothing." 

"Remus, you're a terrible liar. Just tell me what's bothering you." 

Remus considered just making up some lie but Lily had just said that he was a terrible liar. So he had to tell her the truth. 

Remus told Lily about the dream he had and what he was feeling. He told her that Sirius wanted to tell him something but he didn't know what. 

"I just want to know what he wanted to tell me. Do you think if I go to sleep tonight, will I have the same dream and he could tell me what he wanted?"

As soon as the last sentence came out of his mouth, he immediately felt stupid. 

"Well, that party is tomorrow night. Do you want to go? James is going, which means his friends are going too. It means Sirius is going. Maybe you could talk to him." 

"He'll just call me a freak or something and probably hit me again." 

There was a pause. 

"Well, it's worth a try. So do you want to go?" 

"I'm gonna have to now, aren't I?" Remus sighed. 

"Yes. Okay. Uh, hey, I have to go. I think James is calling me." 

"Really? You were just with him." 

"Yeah, I know. I'll see you tomorrow okay?" 

Remus laughed a little, "Yeah, see you tomorrow." 

Lily hung up and Remus threw his phone on the bed and leand back against the headboard of his bed. 

Remus felt slightly happy. Hearing Lily's excited voice made him happy.

He was smiling loudly, he didn't know why though. 

But then the smile faded from his face. Remus quickly sat back up and retrieved his book, remembering that something big was about to happen. 

He opened up the book, and started reading. 

About five minutes later, Remus gasped and threw his book on the floor, remembering what page he was on and pulled the covers over him and shut off his lamp. 

"I fucking hate that book." Remus whispered to himself and fell asleep almost instantly. 

 

 


	4. Chapter Four

**11:59am,** **May 28, Saturday, 2016**

_Lily and James are going to this party that's happening tonight and she's asked me to come along because of the dream I told her about. But truth is, I don't want to go because of Sirius, I only want to go to look after Lily._

_Okay that's a lie. Well, half a lie. I don't even know why I agreed to go along with Lily. I should have just forgotten about the dream - that's all it was, a dream, it means nothing, absolutely nothing. So why am I making such a big deal about it?_

_Lily thinks I should talk to Sirius, but I know that's not an option, I mean, if I want to get knocked on my ass for the billionth time..._

_Anyway, I guess I'm going to this stupid party where people get drunk, listen to crappy music, stand around doing nothing and dry hump each other. It might not be so bad. I haven't told my mum about this party yet and I'm not going to. I'm just going to tell her that I'm spending the night at Lily's house._

 

Remus' mother was surprised when she saw him standing in the kitchen doorway, completely showered and dressed at 12:40. On the weekends, he usually slept in until at least 2pm. 

"Remus, you're up early." His mother was smiling. This made Remus smirk, he felt really happy for some odd reason. Maybe it was because he was going to a party tonight without his mum knowing and was most likely going to be drinking.

"Aha, yeah." Remus was picking at the loose thread of clothing that was hanging off the end of his long-sleeved shirt.

"Are you hungry? I made apple." Remus sniffed the air and realised that she had made apple pie. _Holy Christ, it smells good,_ Remus thought. 

Remus didn't say a word, he sat down at the small kitchen table. This made his mother smile, she turned her back and was getting a piece of apple pie for Remus.

It was only a few seconds later that Remus saw a small piece of apple pie on a white plate with a little mountain of whipped cream on the side, sitting in front of him. Remus used his fork to cut a little piece off, he dipped it in the whipped cream and then put it in his mouth. The bitter taste of the apple was delightful and the whipped cream was so smooth and thick.

"How is it?" His mother asked nervously.

_It feels like I'm having an orgasm._ Remus wanted to say but instead said, "It's really good. I could live off this stuff if I wouldn't get sick from eating too much." 

The doorbell rang just as Remus was about to put a third forkful of apple pie in his mouth. His mother looked to him in confusion. Obviously she hadn't been expecting anyone and his father was out and he wouldn't be ringing the bell. Maybe he forgot his key. But Remus' father wasn't one to do something like that.

"Are you expecting anyone? Lily maybe?" His mother was already half way out the kitchen before Remus could respond. Remus shrugged his shoulders and continued to eat his apple pie.

He heard voices, but didn't know who it was.

"…He's just eating some apple pie I've just made, would you like some?" His mother came back into the kitchen and saw that Peter was walking in from behind her. He was looking around.

"Uh, sure." Peter said. _Why is_ he  _here?_ Remus thought. 

Peter took a seat in front of Remus, "Hello Remus." He said. He had a serious look on his face.

A small apple pie was placed down in front of Peter and he smiled widely and his mother walked out of the kitchen again. They were left alone.

"What are you doing here?" Remus licked his lips, after swallowing a mouthful of apple pie.

Peter ignored Remus' question, "This is a nice house." He took a bite into his pie, "And bloody hell, this pie is fantastic, gonna have to get the recipe for it so my mum can make it."

"Peter." Remus finished his food and pushed his plate forward a little bit and leaned back in his chair.

"Ah, sorry, got distracted from this delicious pie, what were you saying?" There was an arrogance in his voice.

"How do you know where I live and why are you here?" Remus felt that he had some cream on his lip so he licked his lips again until it was gone. He leaned his elbows on the table.

"Well, Sirius asked James and James asked Lily- You get where I'm going with this, yeah?" Peter was eating his pie slowly.

"Remus, I'm just going to Clara's house, if you go anywhere, can you lock up the house please?" Remus' mum came back in the kitchen, doing up the last button on her coat.

"Yeah, sure." Remus was staring at Peter.

"Okay, great." She left the kitchen.

"Who's Clara?" Peter asked when he heard the door slam shut.

"A friend of my mum's. You still haven't told me why you're here."

"I know you have a crush on Sirius." Peter said after 30 seconds of silence.

Remus leaned back in his chair again and folded his arms over his chest. He felt his face go slightly red, "Good for you. Still doesn't explain why you're here though." 

"Yeah, yeah alright. I'm getting there." Peter looked around the kitchen and drummed his fingers on the table, "Can I have some more pie?" He asked, already standing up to get more. Remus stood up too and put his plate in the sink and leaned on the bench, looking at Peter, carefully.

They were both silent for about 2 minutes. Peter was sitting at the table again, stuffing his face with more pie and Remus was still leaning against the bench, staring at Peter.

"Are you going to talk?" Remus was starting to get annoyed.

"I'm going to tell you something but you cannot tell _anyone,_ not even Lily because she'll tell James."

Remus rolled his eyes, looking bored. Peter was probably playing a trick on him. "If this is a secret about you liking someone, I don't really care."

"It's not even about me. Why would I tell _you_ who I had a crush on. Plus, I don't have a crush on anyone." 

"Okay, so what is this about? Did you see Lily doing something?"

"No- It's not about her either, Christ. It's about Sirius."

Remus' eyes widened a little bit. Now he was interested in what Peter had to say. He sat back down in the chair across from Peter, "Why would you be telling  _me_ something about Sirius?" He was a little suspicious. 

"I caught him. Doing something." Peter said this slowly. 

"Yes. Go on."

Peter's face began to go red, like what he was about to say was awkward for him or even embarrassing. 

When Peter didn't respond, Remus raised his eyebrows and did a hand movement, "Peter?" 

"Okay. Fuck. Um, I caught Sirius... Kissing a guy. But he doesn't know I caught him and I didn't want to tell James because... I don't know. But I just had to tell someone, and you were the only person I thought of." Peter was out of breath. 

Remus was surprised. Slightly hurt but, surprised. He was gay? Or maybe he was bisexual or... 

"Remus. Say something. Please." Peter was looking at Remus.

"Uh." Remus didn't know what to say or how to feel. It made him happy that Sirius was attracted to guys but he also felt a hint of sadness and jealousy at the fact that he was kissing someone else. He was seeing someone else. Remus suddenly felt his heart ache.

"Remus! Jesus H. Christ, what other world are you in right now? Are you even listening to anything I'm saying?"

Remus felt a rush of anger wash over him like a tidal wave, "Why are you even telling me this, Peter?"

Peter looked taken aback by the tone of voice Remus used, "I- well... I didn't know who else to tell. I felt awkward just thinking about telling James. And I don't exactly have any other friends, beside James and Sirius."

"That still doesn't explain why you told me."

"Well, I thought that maybe... You could go to that party tonight and talk to him... Because you're gay and all.. So..."

"Why can't you talk to him yourself? He _is_ your friend. Not mine. Hell, we're bloody enemies." 

"I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I'm not gay and he.. Is.. Ya'know...? You're gay. You guys could have like a... gay-to-gay conversation." Peter laughed nervously and his face went red.

Remus felt his temper rising but he told himself to calm down. He had been sitting at the table, with his hands bawled into fists and his nails were digging into the palm of his hand. He slowly stretched his fingers out and breathed in and out deeply. Getting control of himself.

"You want me to talk to him?" Remus said more calmly.

Peter sighed in relief, "Yes. That's exactly what I want you to do. So will you?"

"I'm gonna have to, aren't I?"

"Yes! Thank you."

"What do you even want me to say to him?" Remus asked after a long awkward silence.

Peter raised his eyebrows and threw his hands up in the air, "I don't know. You can actually make conversation, I can't and I don't want to say the wrong thing. And I don't even want to say anything to him because he will most likely punch me in the face. And no offense but I'd rather you get punched in the face than me." 

"I don't want to get punched in the face." Remus almost whined.

"But you get punched in the face all the time, so you're kinda used to it right?"

"It doesn't mean I want to get punched in the bloody face!"

"Oh who cares? You'll live. So are you going to go to the party tonight? And talk to him?"

"Yes. Fine. Alright. Fuck."

Peter's phone rang and it echoed throughout the quiet kitchen. He took it out of his pocket and answered. 

"Hey. I'm at my nan's house." There was a pause. "I'll be there in a minute." 

Remus was standing now, he was standing there feeling very impatient. 

"Who was that?" Remus asked when Peter put his phone back in his pocket. 

"It was James. Wanted to know where I was. I have to go now. So will you be at the party tonight and talk to him?" Peter stood up. 

"Yeah. Uh, what time does it start again?" 

"Seven o'clock." 

"Seven o'clock till....?" 

"Have you never been to a party before? Parties end when all the people are gone or till the police show up or parents." 

"Right okay." 

"See ya, Lupin."

"See ya..." Remus said but Peter was already out of the kitchen and out the front door. Remus sighed and put Peter's plate in the sink and washed his hands for no reason. He went to his room and checked what the time was on his phone; it said 2:10pm. _Was he really here for an hour and a half?_ Remus thought. 

"Hm." Remus looked at the floor and saw that his book was still on the floor, where he had thrown it. He picked it up and opened it to the chapter he was on from the previous night. He went to the kitchen and got a large glass of coke and went out into the backyard, sitting on the comfortable and long swing chair to read his book.

 

It was just after 6 when Remus got a call from a number he didn't recognised. He hesitated before answering, "Hello...?" 

"Hey, Lupin, it's Peter." 

"How- How did you get my number?" Remus frowned. 

"Do you really need to ask that? I got it from Lily." 

"How did you get Lily to talk to you? She hates you." 

"I asked James to ask Lily."

"Isn't he suspicious or something? I mean, you did ask him where I live and now my phone number. What are you gonna ask him next? 'What toilet does Remus use in the bathroom at school?'" 

"Remus, shut up. Now, there's an hour till the party starts, are you still going?" 

"Yeah, I will come." 

"I won't tell James or Sirius that you're going to the party. We'll keep it a secret. Okay, I have to go. I'll see you later- or not. I don't know." 

"Hey, Peter. Can I ask you something?" 

"Yeah, make it quick." 

"Uh, why are you- being nice to me? Don't you hate me?" 

Remus had his eyes squeezed shut from embarrassment. He didn't know why he asked that, but he can't take it back now. 

"I don't know man. And I don't hate you. I have to go now-" 

The phone call was disconnected.

 

Remus had told Lily that he was going to the party but he didn't tell her that Peter asked him to go to the party and he didn't tell her about Sirius either. He just told her that he wanted to get out of the house and take his mind off things. 

"So, what are you going to wear?" Lily was looking through his wardrobe, while he was sitting on his bed reading. Lily was wearing black leather pants and a silky white shirt with a light brown jacket.

Remus didn't put his book down, "I don't know. Does it matter? It's just a party-" _A party that Sirius is going to._ Remus wanted to say. 

"All you have in this closet of yours is black hoodies and trousers, do you have anything other than black and grey clothes?" Remus put his book down and got up off the bed and went over to Lily. 

"I'll wear this." Remus took out plain white shirt and black denim jeans.

"I didn't even see those jeans in there."

"I didn't think you would."

Lily reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her phone, "Its six-fifty, we have to get going. James said he'll be here in ten so hurry up and get dressed."

Remus frowned, "Wait, is James picking us up? Why is James picking us up? Is Sirius going to be there with him?"

"Calm down Remus. It's just going to be James. Now get dressed, he'll be here soon and you take forever to get dressed."

"I do not." Remus said but Lily had already left his room and closed the door.

Remus quickly got dressed and neatened his hair up but then decided he looked stupid and messed it up again. He sprayed deodorant all over his body, and accidentally spraying some in his mouth in the process. Before leaving his room, Remus got his dark blue hoodie and put it over himself.

Lily was sitting at the small kitchen table, where he and Peter had sat earlier that day. She was on her phone, texting James, he presumed.

"I'm ready." Remus said and caused Lily to jump a little.

"Okay, let's go." Remus followed Lily out of the house, turning the lights off and locking the front door as he left. 

James was sitting in the front driver's seat of a dark blue - _midnight blue,_ Remus thought immediately - BMW. Lily got in the front seat next to James while Remus hopped in the back. His heart was racing, he felt slightly nervous. 

He was in the car of someone he didn't like very much and because he was going to a party to talk to someone who hated him.

"Hey, Evans." James said to Lily when she shut the door. He didn't say hi to Remus, he just glanced at him quickly, which made Remus feel more nervous.

James had turned the music up louder and Remus got his phone out, not knowing what to do for the car ride to the party. 

He fiddled with his phone while looking out the window. Despite the noise of the loud music, Remus suddenly heard a slap.

Remus looked away from the window and saw that what made the slap noise, was James' hand on Lily's thigh. 

Remus stared at them. At his hand on her thigh. Remus didn't know what to feel. He was afraid that he was going to hurt her. Break her beautiful, kind heart. 

He shook his head and focused his mind on his surroundings. The sky was a dark gray. It looked like it was going to rain soon. 

Which, Remus thought, wouldn't be a bad thing. 

The car stopped suddenly and he heard James say, "We're here." 

James got out of the car first. He watched him walk around the car then he saw Sirius there. They hugged each other and Remus felt his heart skip a thousand beats. 

The car door opened and Lily was standing there, holding the door. 

"Are you coming?" She smiled. Remus looked to her and then at Sirius and James, they were walking towards the house the party was. There didn't seem to be as much people there as Remus thought. 

"Uh, yeah." Remus unbuckled his seatbelt and hopped out of the backseat of the car. 

He closed the car door behind him and then he heard the car beep. James had locked the car.

Remus caught Sirius' eye and they held their gaze for only about three seconds. But it felt like 20 seconds. 

Remus saw Sirius lean into James and whispered something to him. James shrugged his shoulders. 

"Come on let's go." Lily had grabbed Remus' hand and was half dragging him into the house. 

When he stepped over the threshold, he was welcomed by warmth and the smell of marijuana. This made Remus wrinkle his nose a little. 

"I'm going to get us drinks, stay here." Lily said. 

He stood by the front door awkwardly, waiting for Lily to get back to him. Remus was looking around at the people who were here. He didn't recognise most of them. 

But he did recognise some people from school. Like Frank Longbottom and Sirius' cousin, Bellatrix. 

Remus felt a hand grab his upper arm and he was being dragged down a small hallway and into a room. He didn't see who it was though. 

"What the hell? Get off me." Remus tried to get free from the persons grip but he couldn't. 

"Settle down, would you." A familiar voice said, "Its Peter." 

The light was flicked on and he saw that Peter was standing in front of him. 

"Oh. Hi." Remus rubbed the back of his neck. 

"I didn't think you'd come to be honest." 

"Well I did, as you can clearly see." Remus folded his arms over his chest. 

"Yeah. Uh, so when are you planning on talking to him?" 

"I don't know. When I can get him alone, but I don't think I can do that."

Peter licked his lips, "Maybe I could tell him that there's a girl that is waiting in a room and wants to... Get in his pants." 

"Yeah. Okay. That's a great idea but what if he leaves as soon as I'm in here?" 

"You don't let him leave until you talk to him. I'll block the door off while you talk to him, yeah?" 

Remus felt his phone vibrate and he got it out, it was a text from Lily. She was wondering where he'd run off to, "Yeah alright. I have to get back to Lily."

"Wait, so you'll come back in this room straight away after you've talked to Lily and I'll send Sirius in here, thinking that a girl is in the room and wanting to have sex with him? You got it?"

Remus was starting to feel annoyed, "Yeah, I said alright. Fuck."

"Okay thanks buddy." Peter tapped him in the shoulder and walked out the door. 

Remus sighed, "I'm not your buddy." He whispered. Remus walked out of the room and searched for Lily. 

But it wasn't really a long search, seeing as she was standing where she had left him. 

"Hey, where were you?" She handed a cup of red liquid to Remus. 

He didn't want to tell her about what was going on with Sirius. Or why he was actually at the party. So he avoided the question. 

"What is this anyway? What's in it?" Remus took a sip of the drink. It was fruity but also a little sour. 

"Remus, don't change the subject. Where-" 

"Evans!" Lily turned her head around. James was waving at her to go over to him. 

Lily turned back around after yelling something back at James. But Remus couldn't hear what she said over the music. Remus caught Peter's eye and he nodded. 

He looked around to find Sirius and saw that he was walking towards the bedroom, which meant Remus had to get there now. 

"Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." He handed Lily his drink and left and half ran to the bedroom. 

He got there before Sirius did. Remus was only standing in the middle of the room for about five seconds before the door swung open and Sirius stood in the doorway, looking a little drunk. 

Remus felt his heart speed up and he felt the butterflies in his stomach. 

"Lupin. What are you doing here?" Remus looked over Sirius' shoulder and saw Peter. He grabbed the door handle and shut the door, locking it. This made Sirius turn around. 

"What the fuck?" Sirius tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. Remus heard Sirius curse and he turned and faced Remus. 

"I want to talk to you." Is all Remus got out. He thought that Sirius was about to punch him in the stomach but when he spoke, his voice was confident and calm. 

"Why?" Sirius was frowning. 

"Can you just- Listen to what I have to say?" 

Sirius had sat down on the bed and leaned on his knees with his elbows, "Well, someone has locked the door on us and we're stuck in here. So, say whatever you want to say."

"Uh. Okay. Well. The thing is-" Remus didn't know what to say. He didn't even think about what he would say. Now he was standing here, in front of Sirius, looking like a dumbass. Sirius raised his eyebrows. 

"What do you want, Lupin?" 

Remus breathed in deeply and then breathed out, "Okay. I'm just gonna say it all in one go. Right now."

Sirius nodded and looked slightly annoyed. 

"Someone saw you- kissing a guy- the other day. And this someone, this person, wanted me to talk to you about it. This person wants me to talk to you about your sexua-" 

Sirius cut him off, "Are you saying I'm gay?" Sirius stood up and walked closer towards Remus. Remus took a step back, knowing that he might get punched. 

"Well, I'm not saying that you're gay. You could be bisexual, because I've seen you making out and flirting with girls before." Remus was feeling more and more uncomfortable with every word he was saying. 

"You're talking absolute shit, Lupin." Sirius shoved him with one of his hands. 

Remus stumbled back, "Its okay. It's okay to be who you are. No one is judging you. You're allowed to be yourself." 

Sirius looked angry now. "I'm not fucking gay like you are!"

"I'm not saying that you're gay. You could be bisexual or pansexual. You should never assume someone's sexuality." Remus was stepping back more now. 

"Shut your fucking mouth." 

"I will. But only if you admit it."

"Admit what? That I'm fucking gay?" 

"Well, yeah. Admit that you're not straight and I'll leave you alone." 

Remus thought that Sirius had calmed down. It looked like he had. Remus stood up and took a few steps towards Sirius but then Sirius charged at him. 

He was smashed against the wall, Sirius' body pushing against Remus'. 

Sirius grabbed Remus by the front of his hoodie and shoved him against the wall, harder. A lamp smashed. 

Remus and Sirius were looking into each other's eyes. Sirius had beautiful eyes, Remus thought. He could stare at them all day. 

Remus dropped his gaze from Sirius' eyes for a minute and looked at his lips. They looked so soft.

There was a bang on the door suddenly. 

"Sirius, are you in there?" People must have heard the smash of the lamp. 

Sirius let go of Remus and walked towards the door. It swung open, and James was standing in the doorway, along with Peter and Lily. They all looked confused, except Peter. 

"Is everything okay?" James looked worried but he also looked amused. 

"Fine." Sirius shoved past James. James and Peter followed him. 

Lily came into the room, "What was that about? Were you just making out with Sirius?" She gave him a look of approval. 

"No! Don't be ridiculous!" Remus said more harshly than intended. "I'm sorry." 

"Its okay." She said but clearly she didn't like being yelled at. She looked sad now. 

"Lily. I'm sorry. I was just talking to him." Remus took a few steps towards Lily and hugged her. 

"What did you talk to him about?" Remus could feel her warm breath on his neck. 

Remus thought for a moment. Should she tell her the truth? Or lie to her? He pulled away from her. 

"I'm not going to lie to you." He walked past her and closed the door shut and then faced her again. 

"What is it?" Lily looked curious. 

"Peter caught Sirius kissing a guy the other day and he told me earlier today and asked me to come to this party to talk to Sirius. And that's exactly what I did but I didn't get a confession out of him." Remus was out of breath because he said this too fast. 

"Is he gay?" Lily asked in a whisper. 

"No. I don't know. Maybe." Remus ran his fingers through his hair. 

"How do you feel? About it all?" 

Remus felt his face tighten and he realised he was smiling without really knowing it. 

"It makes me happy." He laughed. He felt like he was going to cry out of happiness. "But he was, supposedly, kissing another guy, which means he likes someone..." Remus suddenly felt sad. His smile had faded from his face. 

"That doesn't mean anything. He could just be... Experimenting... Practicing. For someone else. You." A small smile appeared on her face. 

"Do you really think so?" Remus had his eyebrows raised with a serious look on his face. 

"Yeah, I do." She reached out and squeezed Remus' shoulder. "Come on, let's go." 

"Do you want to go though? Aren't you having fun?" 

"Yeah well. I'm tired. Come on." She opened the door and they saw Peter falling over. He was obviously listening in on their conversation.

"Peter, what are you doing?" Remus asked but he already knew what he was doing. 

"Nothing! I have to go!" Peter gave Remus a look and signaled with his hand that he'd call him later. 

"That was weird." 

"Uh, yeah. Let's just get out of here before Sirius sees me again." 

Lily giggled. "I'll call my mum. Do you want to stay at my house for the night? We could watch a movie or something." Lily had gotten her phone out of her pocket. 

They were standing outside of the house. Lily was on the phone talking to her mum and Remus was looking at Lily's hair. It was blowing beautifully in the wind. 

"She'll be here in a few minutes-" 

"Hey, Lupin!" A loud voice rang through the street, a few minutes later. It was Sirius. 

"Oh great. Wonder how big this bruise will be." He turned around to Sirius. He looked drunk. "What?" 

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius was standing really close to Remus. His breath smelled of alcohol.  _He gets drunk easily,_ Remus thought. 

"What, Black?" 

"I want to-" He was cut off by a car pulling up on the side of the road. Lily's mother. 

"I have to go." Remus said to Sirius. "Tell me whatever you want to tell me at school on Monday when you're punching me." Remus smirked but he didn't feel happy at all. 

Remus followed Lily into the backseat of her mum's car and they drove off. Remus saw that Sirius was looking after them. 

A chilled hand was covering Remus'. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah. Fine." A smile was forced on his face. 


	5. Chapter Five

**1:20pm, May 30, Monday, 2016**

_Today has been such a shitty day. My whole weekend was shitty. Remus knows about me. He knows that I'm gay. I should never have gone to that party._

_If I hadn't, I wouldn't be feeling like this. I try so hard to hide my feelings for him but I think it's getting more obvious. I hate getting into fights with him, I hate punching him but if I just stopped, people would ask questions._

_Every time I'm around him or see him it feels like someone is using an electric stick on me. Shocking me in the stomach and chest. And most of the time I can taste metallic in my mouth._

_He makes me so nervous on the inside._

_I'm sitting in the bathroom right now, I saw him sitting at a table eating lunch with Lily and he looked at me and smiled._

_I mean can you fucking not? I just gave him a dirty look but I'm pretty sure it looked like more of a 'I'm going to slice you up' kind of look. And yeah, now I'm sitting in the bathroom, writing my fucking feelings in this stupid diary._

 

"Sirius? Are you in here." James' voice echoed through the bathroom 

 Sirius closed his diary and put it in his bag. 

"No I've fallen down the toilet." Sirius said with a laugh. He flushed the toilet and opened the door to see James standing in front of a mirror, looking at himself and smirking. 

 _Loser,_ Sirius thought. 

"What were you doing in there anyway? You seemed to be in there for a while."

"I was jerking off. What do you think I was doing?" Sirius was wearing a serious face but he was smirking on the inside. 

"Are you okay?" James asked slowly, catching Sirius' gaze in the mirror. 

Sirius frowned, "I'm fine, why do you ask?" 

James turned around and faced Sirius and shrugged his shoulders, "You just look... Sad or upset. You sure you're alright?" 

"James, mate, if you ask me that one more time, I'll shove your head down into the toilet." 

"I'd love to see you try." Sirius and James were staring at each other. Sirius, with a wide smirk on his face and James suddenly looked serious. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" 

"Sirius, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. What happened... In that room. You and Remus-"

"Nothing." Was all Sirius said. He wasn't going to tell James what really happened. He needed to think up of a lie, fast. 

The door to the bathroom suddenly opened and there stood a kid Sirius hadn't recognised before. 

He had long black hair, it was all tangled up and in his face. And he had a rather large nose. 

The kid looked to Sirius and then to James and then walked back out again. 

"Who the bloody hell was that? Is he new here or something?" James had his hands on his hips.

"Must be." Sirius clapped his hands together and went to follow the new kid. James followed him. 

Sirius looked left and right until he found the kid, he was walking towards the cafeteria. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around and looked him up and down, finally meeting his eyes. 

"Fresh meat." Sirius had a mischievous look on his face. 

"My name is Severus." He said.

"What the fuck kind of name is that? From now on I shall call you..." Sirius paused for a moment to think, "Ah, Snivellus.

Severus sighed, "I'm guessing you're the bully of the school then?"

"Right you are." 

"So where's your friends? Usually bullies have tons of friends." 

Sirius turned around to see that James wasn't standing behind him like he'd thought he was. Instead, he was leaning against the wall, talking to - and probably flirting with - Lily.

"Traitor." Sirius turned back to Severus. "Your hair is a bloody mess." 

Sirius touched his hair. It was very greasy. Severus hit his hand away. 

"Don't touch me." 

Sirius ignored this, and turned back around to James, who was still talking to Lily, "Oi, James! Come feel how greasy this kids hair is." 

"Do you get off bullying people?" 

"No I actually get off watching porn but hey!" 

James was standing by Sirius' side now. He touched his hair.

"Ew, what the fuck?" James looked disgusted. 

"He's also got the stupidest name, what was it again? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I call him Snivellus." 

James suddenly burst out in laughter. Sirius looked at him feeling amused. However, Severus was just looking tired and annoyed. 

Severus shoved Sirius rather hard, causing him to fall to the ground. 

Sirius laughed, "I can't believe you did that. That was very unkind of you." 

"And you call Sirius the bully. You just bloody pushed him to the ground. That's bullying." James was frowning and looking serious but really he was laughing on the inside. 

"Just leave me alone." Severus began to walk away. James bent down to help Sirius up off the floor. 

Sirius was willing to let Severus go but then he felt a pang of sadness and anger rise up in him. 

As Sirius was watching Severus walk away, he saw Remus standing there, staring at him. 

Sirius' face expression suddenly changed. He dropped his bag on the floor and fast-walked towards Severus.

He put a hand on his shoulder and spun him around. Sirius' fist was clenched, his nails digging into his palm. His fist found its way to Severus' face.

Severus was lying on the floor, mouth covered in blood. 

Sirius got on top of Severus and began to punch him in the face, repeatedly. 

His vision started to become blurry all of a sudden. There were hands gripping at his shoulders and stomach. James and Peter and he thought some other people were trying to get him to stop. 

A loud voice boomed through the hallways of the school, Dumbledore. 

"Enough!" Sirius immediately came back to reality. He sat on the cold tile floor breathing heavily, his knuckles bloody and shaking. 

"What happened?" He asked, suddenly forgetting what had just happened. 

"You beat the new kid bloody, mate." Sirius' eyes went over to the boy lying down on the ground, a teacher was sitting down by his side, trying to wake him up. 

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore's voice was suddenly right next to him, "Come with me." 

James and Peter helped Sirius up. 

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, please go to your next lesson." Dumbledore said, already walking away from the scene, Sirius followed closely behind him, his head down. 

 

"Suspended! For 5 days! That's barbaric!" Sirius was outraged. 

"Well, you should have thought about that before you started a fight with Snape." Dumbledore said calmly. 

"Who's Snape?" Sirius was confused. 

"Severus." 

"Wait, that's his name? Severus Snape." Sirius burst out in laughter like James had a few minutes before, "That's so stupid. His parents must have really hated him."

"I'm glad you find this so amusing, Mr. Black." Dumbledore raised his voice over Sirius still laughing. 

There was a knock at the door. 

"Come in." Dumbledore said calmly. 

The door opened, but Sirius didn't turn around to see who it is. He didn't really care. He decided to sit there quietly.

"I feel sick, Dumbledore, can I go home?" Said a familiar voice. Regulus, Sirius' younger brother. This made Sirius turn around. 

"Are you even sick? You're always bloody faking." 

"Sirius, be quiet," Dumbledore said, standing up, "Stay here, I'll be right back." And with that, he walked out the door and closed it behind him. 

Sirius sat there in silence, he saw a pencil on the table and decided to play with it. He used his fingers and aimed it towards the wall but it hit the mug that was sitting on Dumbledore's desk. It smashed.

"Whoops." Sirius lowered himself in the chair, nearly falling to the floor. Just then, Dumbledore came back in and he sat back up straight again.

Dumbledore looked at the smashed mug on his desk, "That was my favourite mug. I stepped out of the room for a minute," He looked to Sirius, "Did you do it purposely out of anger, because I am suspending you?" Dumbledore was calm. It was odd, Sirius thought. 

"Uh, no." Sirius tried to think up of a lie but he wasn't good under pressure, so he told him the truth, "I was bored and picked up a pencil and I flung it. It was supposed to hit the wall though, not the mug."

"You have a very bad aim, Mr. Black."

"Yes, thank you, I am very aware of that, Sir." Sirius pushed his long black hair to the side.

"Go home, Sirius. I'll be calling your mother to inform her that you have been suspended for five days-"

"I still don't get why I'm suspended for five days though, that's bloody barbaric." Sirius interrupted and immediately regretted it. He didn't like interrupting people but it was just a habit of his. 

"You may go now." Dumbledore turned his back and Sirius picked his bag up and walked out the room.

 

Sirius saw Regulus walking in the streets to go home, and he ran to catch up with him.

Sirius shoved him playfully. "You're not even sick are you?"

"I just didn't feel like going to my last two lessons: art and history."

"History isn't bad." Sirius commented. Regulus ignored it. 

"So, how long did you get suspended for?"

"Five days, mum's going to kill me-" _maybe literally,_ Sirius thought back to the time he last got suspended. He had accidentally threw an apple at the back of the teacher's head, he was meant to throw it in the bin but that didn't go so well.

When he got home that day his mother had slapped him across the face and then smashed his head against the wall, causing him to pass out and have a massive headache when he woke up. 

Regulus hadn't known what their mother did to him and he didn't want him to know. 

"So, why'd you even beat the crap out of Severus?" 

"How do you know I beat him up? How do you know his name? Don't tell me you're becoming friends with that loser. Do you know how greasy his hair is?" 

"Oh stop it, Sirius, he's a pretty cool guy-" 

"He's got a big ass nose and his hair is covered in grease, I swear to God." Sirius smacked himself in the head with his hand. 

Sirius and his brother both walked in silence for most of the way home. When they were only a few houses from their home, Regulus asked to race Sirius to the front door. 

Sirius hadn't heard what he said immediately but then Regulus had pushed Sirius into a bush and ran for their house. 

"Bastard." Sirius said, smiling. He realised what he was doing. He jumped up, not bothering to brush off the leaves on his clothes and ran right after Regulus. 

While he was running, he could feel the cold, warmish wind on his face. The wind was blowing his hair and he felt so free and happy. He felt like nothing could take away this happiness. 

But he knew that as soon as he got home his mood would change and he'd most likely have new bruises on his body or maybe even be dead. 

That was highly unlikely though. His mother wouldn't kill her own son just for being suspended for five days. 

The door was wide opened when Sirius reached the front of his house. There was someone standing in the doorway, he thought at first that it was his mother. He'd thought that Regulus might have told her that he got suspended and she was waiting there in the doorway, ready to punish him. 

But Sirius looked closer and focused more and saw that it was just Regulus, eating an apple. 

"That wasn't… Fair… You got… A head start." Sirius said, his breathing was heavy. 

"Should have been listening to what I said." Regulus paused to take a bit out of his apple. "And you should have known that I was going to push you into the bush. Could have prevented that, brother." 

"Fuck you,  _brother."_

 "Sirius!" His mother's voice boomed. 

"For fucks sake." He whispered to himself. 

"You're in so much trouble, mate. Hey Sev!" Regulus looked over Sirius' shoulder. 

Sirius turned around and saw the greasy haired boy standing there, his face covered in bruises and cuts from their earlier fight. 

Well, Sirius wouldn't exactly call it a fight, Snivellus hadn't even tried to fight back. 

"You're seriously hanging out with that loser?" Sirius asked, as he was walking up the small steps to the house. His mother called his name again. 

"He's not bad. Stop being an asshole." Regulus walked towards Severus. 

"Prick." He whispered and entered his house, closing the front door behind him. 

"Dumbledore called. Said you got into a fight." Mrs. Black looked calm. But Sirius knew she was firing up inside. 

"Yes, mother, I'm aware. What of it?" Sirius knew he should keep his mouth shut and take the punishment but he'd never been one to keep his mouth closed. He always had something rude to say.

"Five days suspension."

"Yes, what's the big deal?" Sirius rolled his eyes. 

"Don't you roll your eyes at me." Mrs. Black folded her arms over her chest. 

"I just did." As soon as Sirius said this, he immediately regretted it. But he didn't show it. His face expression was the same, irritated and impatient.

Saying what Sirius said, gave him a slap to the face. His right cheek burned, but he did not look away from his mother. 

His heart sped up.

"I get into fights all the time, why is this any different? Plus, this fucking asshole started it. He pushed me first."

"Did it ever occur to you to, I don't know, maybe ignore it?" His mother looked angrier now. 

"Ignore it? I can't bloody ignore it! People are fucking idiots at school and they deserve to get beat up." Sirius paused and clenched his jaw. "And so do you." His voice lowered slightly when he said the last part. 

Sirius went to walk up the stairs to his bedroom but he felt a rough shove and his head hit the wall, hard. 

His vision blurred, he must have hit his head really hard. He saw his mother standing in front of him. 

She swung her fist up and smashed it against her sons jaw. Sirius felt a hot pain run through his jaw. 

He could taste blood in his mouth and he felt a hand on the back of his head. His head was slammed into the wall and everything went black.

 

Sirius didn't know how long he was out for but by the time he woke up, the sky outside was dark and full of sparkling stars. 

Not knowing where he was, he rolled over and landed on the floor. His mother must have dragged him up the stairs and put him on his bed. 

Body aching all over and his head pounding, he stood up and went over to his mirror. There was a big purple bruise on his face and a small cut on his lip. 

A vibration came from his back pocket. He took his phone out and saw that it was James calling him. He hesitated before sliding right across the screen to answer it. 

"Finally." James sounded like he was out of breath. "I've been calling you for over seven bloody hours mate, what were you doing?" 

"Seven hours?" Sirius was confused. 

"Yeah. You alright?" James suddenly sounded concerned. 

"Er, yeah, fine. Must have fallen asleep." Sirius lied. 

"Right. So how long did you get suspended for?" 

"Five days." Sirius didn't feel like talking so he said that his mum was calling him and that he had to go.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow after school?" 

"Maybe." 

"Maybe? Why maybe?" James sounded slightly hurt. 

"Mum might not let me out."

"Oh right. Okay well, see ya." 

"Bye.." Sirius hung up the phone and threw it on his bed. 

James didn't know that he was getting abused by his mother. Neither did Peter. No one knew. And he didn't want anyone to know. Ever. 

Sirius' eyes started to well up with tears. He didn't want to cry but sometimes it was nice to cry. A tear trickled down his cold cheek. 

His bedroom door opened and Regulus stood there. Sirius quickly turned away and wiped his cheek. 

"What do you want?" Sirius asked, his voice shaking slightly. 

Regulus must have known something was wrong. Must have known that he'd started crying because when he spoke, his voice was soft and caring. 

"You've been asleep for hours, just wanted to know if you were hungry?" 

"No. I'm fine. I- I'm not hungry." Sirius stuttered. 

"Are you okay?"

"I SAID I'M FINE. PISS OFF." Sirius suddenly shouted. He didn't mean to shout. There wasn't any sound coming from Regulus' direction. He'd assumed he left. 

But when he turned around, he was still standing there, staring at him. 

"Fucking hell." Sirius felt tears sting his eyes again and he turned away. 

"You can talk to me, brother. You know that?" 

Sirius ignored him. He didn't think, he picked his phone up off his bed and opened his school bag, reaching into it and got out a pack of cigarettes. 

He went over to his bedroom window and opened it. 

"Where are you going?" 

He ignored Regulus again and put one leg through the window and then his body and finally his other leg. He jumped off the ledge and landed on the cool grass. 

He walked off into the darkness, his brothers voice calling his name from behind. 

 

Sirius found himself sitting on a bench under a tree. There was a fairly large pond a few feet away with colourful fishes in it. 

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the cigarettes he'd taken with him. He put it in between his lips and felt around in his pocket for a lighter. 

Realising he'd forgotten it, he went to take the cigarette out of his mouth but then there was a lighter floating in front of him. 

Without thinking, he leaned in and the cigarette lit. 

Sirius looked up and saw that Remus was standing there, his hands in his pockets. 

Sirius felt his heart speed up but he didn't say a word. Didn't look at Remus. 

_Why is he here? How did he know I was here?_

The only sound that could be heard was the sound of cars driving past, the trees blowing in the wind and Remus lighting the lighter. 

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked, suddenly feeling bored and awkward. 

"I- Nothing. Just bored, I guess." Sirius didn't look at Remus but he knew that he had put the lighter away. 

"How did you know I was here?" Sirius asked, still not looking at him. 

"I didn't. I was hoping there would be no one here. I just felt like going for a walk." He replied. 

"In the middle of the night?" 

"Please, it's only 10pm. Why are you here?"

Sirius could feel Remus' eyes on him. But he still wouldn't look at him. 

"Got bored." Sirius lied. 

The real reason why he left his house was because he didn't want to talk to Regulus and he just wanted to get out of that goddamn house. 

Remus did not reply to this. They were both silent. 

Sirius' hair was blowing lightly in the wind, he liked this. It felt nice. Calming. 

"Why- Why do you hate me so much?" Remus asked about five minutes later. 

Sirius didn't know what to say to this. The truth is, he didn't hate him. He actually liked him. 

"I don't hate you." Sirius said finally. 

"Then why do you always feel the need to punch me or get into a fight with me every time you see me?" 

 _Well, I get abused by my mother at home and whatever I do to you is what I'd like to do to my mother._ Sirius wanted to say. But he stayed silent. 

"Why did you beat that new kid up today? He did nothing to you." Remus said. 

Sirius finally looked to Remus, "What's with all the bloody questions, Lupin?" 

"I'm just curious." Remus looked deep into Sirius' eyes. 

"I just felt like it." Sirius replied. 

Remus gave Sirius a look but Sirius didn't know what it was. It looked like pity or sadness. Or maybe even a loving look. 

Sirius pulled his eyes away from Remus'. "Why do you look at me like that." Sirius had finished his cigarette and threw it on the ground. 

"Like what?" 

"I don't know." Sirius was suddenly lost for words. 

Remus laughed. Sirius stood up, feeling nervous. He was nervous being near him. 

"I have to tell you something." Sirius didn't know why he said this. It just burst out. He couldn't stop himself from saying it. 

"What is it?" Remus looked concerned. He stood up too. 

Sirius was lost for words. Again. He didn't know what to say. 

"You make me fucking nervous." 

"I make you nervous? I feel like that's not what you wanted to tell me." 

"Well- No- I-" There was a phone ringing. Sirius took his phone out of his pocket and saw that it wasn't his phone. It was most likely Remus' 

Remus turned around and answered the phone. Sirius wasn't listening in to what he was saying. 

He was too wrapped up in his own head. What he was going to say. Sirius felt the urge to just walk away and leave him there. 

He really wanted to but his feet didn't move.

"That was my mum. I've got to go." Remus said. 

When Sirius turned back around, Remus was standing right in front of him. 

"Jesus fuck." Sirius said, startled. Sirius took a step back feeling anxious. But Remus took two steps closer. 

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked, frowning. Remus didn't say anything, he just smiled and leaned in and put his mouth to Sirius'.

"What the fuck?" Sirius pushed him away and wiped his mouth. 

Remus still didn't say anything. Sirius stared at Remus. He didn't know what to say or think. 

"Goodnight." Remus said and turned around and walked away, leaving Sirius standing there in the dark. 

 

 


	6. Chapter Six

** 11:03pm, May 30, Monday, 2016 **

_I kissed him. It was just like in the dream I had a few nights ago. I had a dream that I kissed him. But in the dream he kissed me back, in real life, he did not. But I don't care, his mouth was on mine and that's all that matters right now._

 

"Did you really kiss him or was it just another one of your fantasies?" Lily asked Remus the next morning. 

Remus couldn't sleep last night. He kept thinking about the kiss. Although, Sirius didn't kiss him back. 

"I really did kiss him, Lily." Remus acted like it wasn't a big deal but really, inside he was jumping around with excitement. 

"And what did Sirius do about it? Did he kiss you back?" 

"Well, he didn't kiss me back. But I don't really care about that." 

"What did he do then?"

"He pushed me away- OH and he said he wanted to tell me something but he never told me what he wanted to tell me because I think he was nervous. He said I make him nervous, Lily! He's the one who makes me nervous." Remus spoke suddenly very fast. 

"Alright, calm down." 

"Oh, I am very calm." 

"Yes, sure seems like it." 

Remus sat down in his usual seat in science. He looked over to where James usually sat, with Peter and Sirius. James looked lonely without Sirius. 

Mood suddenly changing, Remus decided that he didn't want to be there anymore. When the teacher turned away from the class, he picked up his bag and walked out of the class. 

Lily was calling his name but he didn't listen. He kept walking. 

Remus had no idea where he was going but he just didn't want to be in the school. He wanted to be alone. 

When he looked up from the ground, he found himself standing outside the public library. Remus walked in and went to the bathroom.

When walking into a bathroom, you'd expect, usually, to see it empty or with only one person in there, washing their hands. But what Remus saw was very unexpected. 

His eyes went wide and his mouth opened slightly. 

There standing in the middle of the bathroom, in front of the mirror was Sirius. He was covered in bruises, all over his body. 

Sirius mustn't have heard him enter because he hadn't payed any attention to Remus. 

Remus didn't know what to say or what to do. So he stood there silently, but only for a few seconds.

He finally found his voice to speak, "What happened?"

Sirius seemed to jump out of his skin. The shock on his face was unreal to Remus.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Sirius' voice was shaking and so was he. Sirius had his shirt off and he was examining the bruises on his tanned body. 

Remus noticed how good he looked. He looked away, feeling embarrassed and he saw from the corner of his eye, Sirius putting his shirt back on.

"I don't-" Remus was suddenly lost for words.

"Why are you always showing up everywhere? You're always showing up at unnecessary times." Sirius looked angry but Remus wasn't scared. "Aren't you supposed to be in school?" 

"I am. I mean, I was but I… Left." Remus said slowly. 

"Why?" Sirius seemed calmer now but he was still shaking slightly. 

"I just didn't feel like being there." Remus paused. "I'm just gonna go." He turned around and started walking out the door but then Sirius' voice came from behind him. 

"Why did you kiss me last night?" Remus turned back around and looked Sirius in the eyes. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know why he kissed him. Remus just felt like it.

Shrugging his shoulders, Remus walked out of the bathroom and left Sirius stranded in there, like he did last night. 

 

Remus didn't end up going back to school, he went straight home and had a long nap. 

When he woke up, his mother was standing, tall, looking down at him, her eyebrows furrowed. 

"Why didn't you go to school today?" She didn't sound angry, she just sounded concerned and worried. 

Sitting up, he ran his hand through his hair and rubbed his eyes, "I did go to school but I felt a headache coming on. So I-" 

"So you decided to just walk out the school?" His mother interrupted. 

"Yeah. Every time I'm in the sick room, I just feel more dizzy and sick." 

Mrs. Lupin sat down on the bed next to her son, "I just wished you would've told someone where you were going. Did you come straight home?" 

"I went for a walk, hoping it would clear my head a bit but that didn't do much so I came home." Remus lied. He didn't like lying to people, he hated it. But he didn't want to tell his mother that he got up and left the school because he didn't feel like being there. And he didn't want her to know that she found Sirius in the bathroom of the library, his body covered in bruises. 

Remus' mother put the back of her hand to his forehead, "Are you feeling alright now?" 

"Yes, much better," Remus lied again. He didn't even have a headache. His stomach growled aggressively. 

His mother frowned, "Have you eaten today?" 

Realising that he hadn't, he shook his head. His mother stood up and pulled Remus up, gently, "We'll go out to eat." 

"Where's dad?" They were already walking out of Remus' bedroom. 

"Your father is working late tonight." 

"Oh." Remus was glad that they could be alone for a night. Remus wanted to talk to her. 

 

The drive in the car wasn't long. They ended up at a fancy looking restaurant. 

When Remus walked through the door, he could smell wine and steak. There wasn't that many people here. Only a few couples here and there, out on a date. There was a long table of about thirteen business men all sitting at the table, laughing and talking about… Business. 

Remus' mother was talking to the waiter and they were being led to a table in the far corner. 

The table was decorated with a deep, dark, sparkling red and the chairs were a dark brown, almost black but not quite. The waiter placed two menu's down in front of them both and said she'd be back ready to take their orders. 

Remus scanned the menu, looking at the cheapest side. Remus didn't like getting anything expensive, even if it was someone else's money. 

Remus folded the menu, knowing exactly what he wanted. A few moments later, the waiter came back over, as promised, and took their orders. 

Remus order a chicken schnitzel with gravy and with a caesar salad and a large glass of coke. His mother ordered a medium rare black pepper steak with curly fries and she ordered a large mug of orange juice with a glass.

"So how has school been?" His mother asked. 

They didn't really talk much. Both of Remus' parents worked a lot and his father was usually busy with work while eating dinner. 

"Uh, yeah. It's good. Really good. I got an A+ on my maths test." 

"That's amazing, dear!" 

Remus nodded and looked around at the restaurant. He saw a couple sitting at a two seated table, eating... Something. Remus couldn't see what but they were laughing too. 

The girl had familiar bright red hair - the girl turned around and Remus saw that it was Lily. 

"Oh my God." Remus said, face going red. He slid down in his seat to try and avoid Lily from seeing him. 

"Remus, what are you doing?" His mother's voice came from above the table. 

Remus got back up and told his mother that he had to go to the bathroom and that he'd be right back. 

As he was about to push open the door to the men's bathroom, a hand was on his shoulder and he was spun around to see Lily's face.

"Where'd you go today?" She looked angry.

"I went home." Remus said. It was partly true. But he didn't tell Lily about going to the library and seeing Sirius Black in the bathroom with his shirt off, his body covered in bruises.

"Why did you leave?" She took her hand off his shoulder.

"I felt sick. I had a headache." Remus lied again. He looked over Lily's shoulder and saw James sitting in the chair, leaning back with his hands resting on the back of his head. "What are you doing here with him?"

"We're on a date." She looked away from Remus. As if embarrassed.

"Right." Remus was still looking over at the table where James was sitting and then he looked over at the table his mother and himself were sitting at. Their food had arrived. "I have to get back to my mum."

"Fine." Lily bit her lip. "But we'll talk later, yes?"

"Talk about what?" Remus walked past her and Lily followed.

"About what _really_ happened after you left school today." Lily rushed past him and sat herself back down at the table. 

Remus did the same thing. He was welcomed with the delightful smell of chicken schnitzel. Remus cut into the schnitzel and used his fork to bring it up to his mouth. The chicken schnitzel was drenched in gravy. He could taste a little bit of lemon in the gravy, which he liked. 

 

As soon as Remus got home and stepped into his bedroom, Lily's name came up on his phone. 

He answered immediately, wanting to get the call over and done with. 

"So, what happened?" Lily always knew when he was lying. It sometimes annoyed Remus. 

"Hello to you too." Remus smirked, but it was forced a little. When Lily didn't say anything back, he began to tell her what happened. "I didn't feel like being at school, so I left the school and walked for a bit and found myself out the front of the local library. I went in there, not knowing why or what for. I walked into the bathroom and saw Sirius there -" 

"Wait you saw Sirius?" Lily sounded shocked. Remus kept quiet for a few seconds and continued on like she hadn't even spoken. 

" - He had his shirt off and I saw bruises on his body. I asked him about it but he didn't tell me anything. He got upset -" 

"Did he punch you in the face again?" Lily interrupted again. 

"No… He asked why I kissed him last night and I shrugged my shoulders and walked out, leaving him there." 

"Did he look sad? Angry? What do you think he was feeling?" 

"Like I'm supposed to know that Lily, why does that even matter anyway?" Remus said, frowning. 

"Remus. What did his face look like when he asked you why you kissed him last night?" 

"I don't - know Lily. He looked… Upset, maybe scared? He wasn't angry like he usually would be being near me." 

"Hmm." Lily said. 

"What? What do-" There was a knock at the door. Remus pulled his phone away from his ear and looked outside his window to see a young looking man standing at the front door. 

The light to the front porch suddenly turned on and Remus saw that it was Sirius standing there. He was talking to Remus' mother. 

Remus pulled away from the curtain too quickly. "What the fuck is he doing here?" Remus whispered to himself quietly. But not quiet enough. 

"Remus, what are you talking about?" Lily asked. She sounded concerned but also annoyed. 

Remus put the phone back up to his ear and said, "I have to go, I'll call you back later." He hung up the phone just as a knock came at his bedroom door. 

His door opened slowly, revealing his mother.

"There's someone here to see you." 

Remus didn't need to ask who it was. He ran his fingers through his hair. 

His mother stepped aside and in the doorway of Remus's bedroom stood Sirius Black. 

Sirius stepped through, not taking his eyes off of Remus. 

The door closed. They were alone. 

Remus felt his heart speed up and he felt like he was going to throw up. 

Sirius was still standing there, in a white shirt, black leather jacket and black denim jeans, his mouth open slightly. 

Remus finally got the courage to speak.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was shaky. 

"I- I wanted to s-see you." Sirius stuttered. 

"Why?" 

Sirius finally took his eyes away from Remus'. He saw that he was looking down at his body. 

"I don't know. I have to go. I don't even know why I came here. This is stupid." Sirius frowned and turned around. 

But Remus found himself closer to Sirius. His feet had moved without him knowing. 

Remus' hand was on the wrist of Sirius'. Sirius turned back, looked at Remus' hand and then looked him in the eye. 

Remus didn't know what to say. His mouth was moving but no words were coming out. 

"Don't go. Stay." Remus finally said after a long moment of silence. 

Remus saw Sirius' eyes drift away from his eyes to his lips, but it was only for a second. 

They were both standing there in the dim lit room, with Remus' hand still on Sirius' wrist. 

Sirius moved around. He was now completely facing Remus. 

Remus didn't take his eyes away from Sirius'. He saw a movement out the corner of his eye but he ignored it.

But then he felt a hand on his waist. He looked down and saw that it was Sirius' free hand on his waist. 

Remus let go of Sirius' wrist and reached his hand up to Sirius' face. 

Sirius was leaning in. Remus closed his eyes and leaned in closer to Sirius. 

Their lips met. Sirius' lips were soft and warm, just like he imagined they would be. This was the first real time they were kissing. In the park last night, it was just a quick peck and it was over. 

But this felt so unreal to Remus. He was kissing the boy he liked. 

Remus opened his mouth a little wider, letting Sirius in. Sirius' hand had moved up Remus' back and Remus found himself cupping Sirius' neck. 

Everything started moving faster but it felt like time had stopped. Like everything around them had stopped. 

Remus pushed Sirius up against his door and kissed him more. Remus wanted to be more closer to Sirius than he already was. He pressed his body against Sirius'. 

He pulled away quickly, after hearing Sirius wince. 

"Did I hurt you?" Remus asked, feeling nervous and realising how out of breath he was. 

Sirius looked down at the floor, a piece of black hair falling in front of his face, "No." He said. 

Remus remembered seeing Sirius in the bathroom of the library earlier that day. He remembered the bruises he had seen on Sirius' body. 

"What happened?" Remus asked, pointing a finger to Sirius' stomach. 

Sirius didn't say anything. He just shook his head. "Not now." 

Remus nodded and licked his lips. 

"Can I stay here? For the night?" Sirius asked. 

"Sure." Remus didn't realise how tired he was. Even though he had a long nap when he got home, he was still very tired.

Remus kicked his shoes off and Sirius did the same and he took his jacket off, throwing it over the back of the chair at Remus' desk.

Remus held out his hand to Sirius and he took it. His hand felt very warm. 

Remus led them over to his bed. 

Remus lied down on his bed first and Sirius followed. 

Remus put an arm around Sirius' stomach gently and held him, giving him a kiss on the neck. It wasn't long until both boys fell into a deep sleep. 

 


End file.
